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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644093">collapsing stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonylu/pseuds/loonylu'>loonylu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ACAB, Abusive Relationships, All Cops Are Bastards, Cycle of Abuse, Depression, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, HCPD-era Juno, Other, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Police, Self-Harm, Trauma, Victim Blaming, look i saw a bunch of folks writing diamond fics and i had to jump on the bandwagon, look tags on my fic are never a happy place, no really this is very much about the cycle of abuse, written before What Lies Beyond</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:34:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonylu/pseuds/loonylu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Juno has a certain reputation at the HCPD these days. Juno’s not sure how it even happened, but somehow he has become the officer that deals with people who report instances of domestic violence. </p>
<p>He has no idea why.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diamond/Juno Steel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>collapsing stars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>one. tensions building </em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p><ul>
<li><em><span>This phase can last anywhere from minutes to weeks. In it, stress builds, and abusers may begin to feel wronged, ignored, or neglected. They may accuse, yell, demand and/or have unrealistic expectations, while the target feels they have to walk on eggshells, are afraid, and become anxious. Targets are likely already familiar with the cycle and believe making a small mistake will make the partner angry, so instead they opt to stay quiet or not do something. No matter what is said or done, however, it seems like the target is never right, and a small incident can create a difficult situation in seconds.</span></em></li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno has a certain reputation at the HCPD these days. The other officers think he deals with whiners and liars, and he knows they laugh at him for putting his effort into all these who-knows, they said/they said hearsay sort of cases that come in. Juno’s not sure how it even happened, but somehow Juno Steel has become the officer that deals with people who report instances of domestic violence.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tries to keep the language professional. Instances of domestic violence. Not </span>
  <em>
    <span>my wife pushed me down the stairs </span>
  </em>
  <span>or </span>
  <em>
    <span>my partner is a good person, really, they just get angry. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Reports from concerned friends, coworkers, parents, siblings. Siblings.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he does this because he’s a masochist and wants to wallow. It’s only been three years since Ben died. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno is twenty-two and has a good chance of making detective in a couple months, as soon as Chandra retires and a spot opens up. That’s the plan. He’s about to be promoted, he’s engaged, he’s not even doing drugs on days he’s working. Most days, the biggest pain in his ass is his sticky-handed secretary. He should be, well, not happy, but okay. He should be more grateful for what he has.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Diamond tells him sometimes that if he could let the past go, he’d be happier.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Diamond. He loves Diamond. He loves his fiancee so much it feels like he’s built from it - like his love for them is bigger and brighter than anything else in his brain. He wishes he could explain it better, be more expressive for them, but it’s a fault of his that they don’t mind too much. He just - he loves them. They make him work to be a better person every day. Juno’s not so good at that, the self-improvement. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatcha smilin’ about, boss?” Rita pops up from where she was completely obscured by a stack of reports Juno will definitely need to pull an all-nighter to finish. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing, Rita,” Juno snaps. “Got something for me?” He doesn’t like the way Rita scans his face, studies his forearms where his sleeves are rolled up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, boss,” Rita says. “You good to go over to the hospital and do an interview? We got a young guy who’s pretty banged up, but swears up and down he fell down the stairs. The docs don’t believe it, so they called us. And then Officer Henderson told me to give it to you on account of how you’ve ‘got more tolerance for this nonsense than the rest of us’ which I think is silly -”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Henderson impression was pretty good, but Juno cuts her off. “Yeah, of course, let’s go.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The drive over is anything but quiet. As much as he complains about it, he doesn’t mind Rita’s incessant chatter about streams and whatever else - it’s good when he needs thoughts chased out of his brain. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s nothing he </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs </span>
  </em>
  <span>to chase out of his brain. He’s fine. Things have been going well at home and at work for at least a couple of weeks now. He signals and rises to an upper lane.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s dumb. Last night, Diamond had come home and started doing the dishes without saying anything. Which is a totally normal and adult thing to do, Juno reminds himself. They’d pointedly scrubbed the countertops, too, studiously not looking at or talking to Juno. Anxiety rose up to choke him, cutting off any words Juno could’ve said to redeem himself. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>day off, Diamond shouldn’t have to do the dishes after their long work day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Juno finally said “Babe, I’m sorry, I should’ve gotten all this cleaning done today,” Diamond had thrown the sponge they were using in the sink and stalked off to take a shower. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even remembering it, Juno’s heart sinks. Was he supposed to go after them? Try to make it up to them in the shower? He’d been paralyzed with indecision. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>hates </span>
  </em>
  <span>feeling stuck like that. If he were better at not fucking up, then he wouldn’t have to feel like that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After Diamond showered, they’d been normal - kind, considerate, ordering in dinner and kissing Juno goodnight. But the silent tension of the kitchen is still stuck in his head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Every time, he thinks they’re past this. He thinks he can figure out how to stop fucking up long enough to be a decent partner. Something new slips by every time his focus is elsewhere for even a second. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mistah Steel? ‘Scuse me, Mistah Steel?” Rita’s stained hands wave into his line of vision. “Mistah Steel, we been sitting here in the parkin’ lot for ages now. Are we goin’ in?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno shakes his head to clear it. “Yeah, let’s go get the statement,” he says, voice mostly normal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The hospital room is small and cramped, but luckily a single room. Juno hates hospitals. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mr. Metis?” Juno asks gruffly from the doorway. The kid in the bed looks pretty bad. He’s got a cut above one eyebrow that’s got a couple of stitches, and his leg is clearly broken, with telltale bruising around the bone knitting injection sites and brace keeping everything still. Juno’s been there. He can tell. There are some faint bruises on his upper arms, and when he turns to see Juno in the doorway Juno notes suspicious bruising around his neck. His eyes are wide and he smiles, instinctively. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s young, maybe Juno’s age, maybe younger. Maybe Ben’s age, if Juno wants to feel bad about it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” he says, struggling to sit up without jostling his leg. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno steps over the threshold and tries to look official. “I’m Officer Steel, HCPD. I have a couple of questions for you about your injuries, Mr. Metis.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> Rita takes the abandoned chair and starts her unique note taking method with gusto. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Full name? Age? Address?”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Castor Metis, twenty-one, and 37 Volcanis Way.” Castor cracks another smile, dancing up from the corner of his mouth as he sits up to look Juno in the eyes. “Why’d they send you, Officer Steel? For my dashing good looks? Sadly, I’m a taken sort of guy.” He winces and flops back on the bed, rubbing his side. “Damn rib.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Rubbing it is just gonna hurt more,” Juno says with experience. “So do you wanna tell me what happened here?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fell down the stairs.” The kid is a good liar, topping off the answer with a shrug just shy of nonchalance. Juno’s ‘fallen down the stairs’ a few times himself, so he knows the tells. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno changes tack. “What’d you mean by a taken sort of guy?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve, uh, got a boyfriend. Jason, he’s actually also with the HCPD. We’ve lived together for two years.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where is he now?” Juno tries to sound bored.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“At work. Why do you care about him?” This kid is sharp. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just setting the scene. Was he there when you fell last night?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Castor admits. “Why?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno sighs. This is going nowhere and he’s getting impatient. “Where’d you get the bruising on your neck, kid?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t call me kid,” Castor says, face darkening. “We’ve got to be the same age, </span>
  <em>
    <span>officer.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And that’s not your business.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It is my business, actually, since the doctors called me in to talk to you because it looks like someone choked you.” Juno winces. He really meant to sound more gentle.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something in Castor’s face shutters. “No one choked me,” he says. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and I’m the mayor,” Juno mutters to himself. “Look. If it was your boyfriend, you can tell me. You can press charges, we can get you to some domestic violence organizations that can help you - “ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I will not be pressing charges.” Castor’s eyes are sharp. “I can handle Jason just fine on my own.” He pauses, and adds “Because he had nothing to do with this. I love him.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We just want’cha to be safe,” Rita says, uncharacteristically quiet. She puts one small hand on Castor’s bed, and Juno watches Castor’s face cycle through a dozen expressions before settling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Castor looks like he’s going to say something biting, but sags back into his pillows instead. Gives up. “Hard to press charges against a cop,” he says. “Opens you up to a lot of shit. Retaliation, power plays. You know better than anyone that the cops protect their own. All for the satisfaction of a court case that might land him on probation? It’s not worth it, and I’m not going to do it.” Castor sighs. “I’m handling it,” he repeats, looking Rita in the eye. “Working my way towards getting out.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno says, distantly, from a million miles away, “You can’t get out if you’re dead.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess I have a timeline, then,” Castor says, smile returning to one corner of his mouth. “Stop loving him and get out before he does something really bad. Easy.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno feels fear and rage bubble up because </span>
  <em>
    <span>she’s going to do something really bad someday</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and he tries to force it back down, to stay professional but he can’t because Castor is going to end up dead on the floor bleeding out behind a locked door like Benten like Benten like - </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mistah Steel?” Rita says faintly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is he okay?” Castor asks, coming back into focus. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno lets Rita usher him into the chair by the bed. “If I was able to arrest him,” Juno croaks, “would you consider pressing charges? Or something.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not worth it,” Castor says seriously. “The most that would help might be a restraining order, or witness protection, or something. Unless you could magically get him sent to prison, I’m stuck where I am. He’s coming to get me in a couple hours when I get discharged, anyway.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Slowly leaving?” Juno asks, and it’s only half a quip. Juno wants to scream, tear his hair out, drag this man to safety until he comes to his senses. Juno is vibrating with the need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>do something.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Slowly leaving,” Castor confirms. “And he wouldn’t hurt me too badly. This was an accident anyway. Mostly. I’m fine, Officer Steel. I swear. You can’t help me.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno gives him his comms number anyway. “If you ever need help,” he says hoarsely. “Call me. Anytime.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>two. incident</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p><ul>
<li><em><span>At this stage, the target says or does something the abuser feels upset about or threatened by, and the abuser attempts to dominate the target through verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Targets may keep the incident a secret and not share what happened with others. In some cases, a target of abuse can end up in the hospital and may even lie to the medical personnel about the cause of their injuries.</span></em></li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rita and Juno are back in Juno’s car before she speaks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know that you shoulda told him to leave, boss,” Rita says as Juno pulls out of the parking lot. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno nearly rear-ends the car in front of him. “What? Rita, why shouldn’t he leave? The boyfriend is - “ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know, boss - “ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How could you say that? Castor deserves better - “ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you listen for a sec, boss?” Rita shouts. “I’m just sayin’, leaving without a plan to keep yourself safe ain’t a good idea. If Mistah Metis just up and breaks up with his boyfriend, the boyfriend could really hurt ‘im. It’s the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship, the leaving.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we’ll just have to catch the asshole,” Juno decides. “Castor doesn’t deserve this.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I deserve this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Juno’s brain spits out, which makes no sense, since Diamond hasn’t hit him in months and hasn’t broken a bone in a year. It’s not the same situation at all. Everything has been going well for weeks now. Juno tries to push down the thought, but it grows and takes over his thoughts like some creeping rot until Hijikata tells him he’s not allowed to investigate Officer Jason Aguilar under any circumstances. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Juno says, stupidly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We can’t go undermining the 149th precinct,” Hijikata says, with the air of explaining something to a toddler. “And it sounds like the kid doesn’t want to press charges anyway. So you can get rid of the hospital report and move on.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But Castor is in danger - “ </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hijikata stands, turns to the window. “Steel, I know you’re young, and I know cases like this can pull on your heartstrings. But you have to learn to leave shit like this alone. You’re dismissed.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno feels a fierce loyalty towards Hijikata, and to his own knowledge Juno has never disobeyed him. Juno’s loyalty to Hijikata isn’t conditional, isn’t based on Juno’s own flawed judgement. It scares him, sometimes, how much he craves Hijikata’s approval. Every tiny nod, every monosyllabic “good” leaves him glowing for days. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So he quietly agrees to leave it alone, just to get one of those tiny nods of approval. And he really does mean to leave it alone, to respect Castor’s wishes, to go straight home to Diamond’s waiting arms. Diamond wanted to watch their favorite stream with him tonight. A crushing weight is on his chest, and he can’t remove it - all he can think of is Castor and his injured leg heading back to a dark apartment with danger waiting for him. Juno looks down at the file on his desk and conjures a scowling, terrifying monster out of the smiling photo of Officer Aguilar. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno has always been cursed with an overactive imagination. He imagines the young man he met today cornered, pinned down, trapped - maybe against a kitchen cabinet, Aguilar standing over him, screaming, raging, while Castor tries to calm him down - like Juno tried to calm Diamond down a month ago before they grabbed Juno’s hair and cracked his head against the kitchen cabinets - </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Wait. No. Where did that even come from? Juno puts his head in his hands. Diamond is nothing like Jason Aguilar. Sure, they have their fights, but it’s not the same. Diamond loves him. If Juno weren’t such an asshole, Diamond wouldn’t lose their cool as much as they do. He’s working on it, and that’s not the same thing as Castor. Castor’s afraid to leave. Juno doesn’t want to leave. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s selfish of him to even make the comparison in his own head. Castor deserves better. Juno needs to focus on doing good. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Juno can just catch Aguilar, he can convince Hijikata that Aguilar is dangerous and worth whatever inter-precinct spat might come up. If Juno can catch Aguilar in the act, maybe he can convince Castor to press charges. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rita gets up to go home just after dark and passes by his desk. She looks like she’s going to say something, stands there with her mouth open for just a moment, and Juno feels a flash of fear. But she doesn’t say anything, just nods and goes home, and that scares him more. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He finally gets up the nerve to walk outside a few hours after dark, after he’s sure Hijikata or anyone who would tell Hijikata have already left. He argues with himself the whole way to Volcanis Way, but when he gets to the little rowhouse labeled 27, he settles in for a stakeout. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno pulls into a parking spot across the street from Castor and Jason’s meticulously kept rowhouse. This is one of the nicer areas the precinct covers - one of the two must’ve come from money for a young couple to afford a rowhouse in trendy Atlantis Heights. Juno wishes he had his stakeout gear, wishes he had more intel. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s never disobeyed Hijikata before. Once Juno can prove that Officer Aguilar is a threat to his partner, Hijikata will understand. He just has to prove it. He has to be worth Hijikata’s faith in him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno takes a deep breath. There’s a ground floor window with the lights on and the windows open, probably facing the little park Juno is parked next to - terrible security, but very useful for Juno’s purposes. A smaller figure he recognizes as Castor is half-laying on the couch, injured leg propped up. A big man - must be Jason - comes in carrying a blanket and pillows. He fusses over the smaller man, placing pillows and covering him with the blanket. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno is confused. Isn’t this man a monster? Didn’t he cause all of this? Maybe inside that trendy living room, tensions are building before Jason snaps. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jason tenses and leaves the room, and Juno puts his hand on his blaster. He could be at their front door in seconds. But Jason just comes back in with a steaming mug and hands it to Castor before sitting down heavily in an armchair almost out of sight from Juno’s vantage point. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The big man slumps forward, head in his hands, and Juno thinks he’s imagining the shake of his shoulders at first. Officer Aguilar is crying, great heaving sobs shaking through him. Juno supposes he could be laughing, but the look on Castor’s face says otherwise. Castor sits up, shaky, and says something. Juno wishes he could hear. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It must’ve been something forgiving, because Jason falls into Castor’s arms and continues to cry. Juno thinks he sees Jason mouthing the words </span>
  <em>
    <span>i’m sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span> over and over. Juno feels sick. Castor kisses his forehead, pets his hair. Forgives Jason. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno has no idea how long he sits there, watching the sick tableau in the window. After some interminable amount of time, Castor says something and nods to the window. Jason gets up and shuts the blinds. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then Juno is alone with the inside of his car and the inside of his head. Juno stares at the closed window, heart racing. He’s so angry and so confused and he wants to hit something, shoot someone, </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It feels - </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It feels like the spring afternoon when Benten finally told Juno that he’d be staying with Ma in Oldtown instead of moving out with Juno. It feels like </span>
  <em>
    <span>she’s going to do something really bad someday</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can take care of myself, Super Steel. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fine. So Castor reminds him of Ben. That doesn’t mean anything. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It also feels like Diamond’s angry glare, their wide smile, and most of all their hand on the back of his neck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno is trapped in a spiral of Castor - Ben - Diamond - no not Diamond - Castor forgiving - Jason hurting - Jason trapping - Ma breaking - Diamond hurting - no not Diamond, why can’t his stupid brain stop comparing Diamond to the monsters of the world, Diamond is good and perfect and only ever gets angry because Juno is a little monster who can’t do anything right - like protect Castor - Ben - </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Juno can drag himself out of this spiral, he’s scratched his forearm bloody and there are cars honking behind him. His head is pounding, and he can feel tears drying on his cheeks. He doesn’t know where he is. He’s stopped at a light somewhere in Hyperion, but nowhere near Atlantis Heights or his own apartment. The light is green, so he puts his foot on the accelerator and goes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno Steel knows Hyperion City. He knows its good and bad parts, and he knows how it operates. He knows the bad guys win more times than they don’t, and that the good guys are fighting a perpetually-losing battle. Hell, he’s pretty sure that he’s barely even a good guy anymore, no matter how much he tries. All of this is to say that Juno is able to figure out where he is pretty quickly. The city is deserted at whatever time of night it is, and Juno is starting to feel a sick pit of dread in his stomach as he gets closer to his home. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Diamond is going to be pissed he didn’t call. Glancing at his phone at a red light, he sees seven missed calls and eleven texts, all from Diamond. He also sees that it’s nearly two in the morning. Fucking hell, what had he been doing between leaving work at eight and coming back to himself around one? Juno shakes his head gently. It’s fine. He’s fine now and it’s not something he needs to deal with. He just needs a fucking hit or a drink or to pop a pill or </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> to get his brain to shut up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno’s hands are shaking by the time he pulls into the apartment complex parking lot. He glares at them like that will fix anything, then relents. He reaches into the glove box and pops two pills from a blister pack. He swallows them dry and the world immediately softens. Juno feels his shoulders slump. He’s such a fucking failure. He can’t even face the fact that his fiancee has the right to be angry with him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A nagging voice in the back of his head tells Juno that this will help when he goes inside and Diamond gets angry. It’ll help angry words and blows roll off of him. It’ll give him the courage to go inside and face his fiancee. But Juno is not thinking about that. Juno is thinking about the little pills traveling down his throat, dissolving into his bloodstream and bringing little blue rays of chemical happiness down to the tips of his fingers. Juno is not thinking about going inside, not thinking about getting in the elevator, not thinking about walking to his front door, not thinking of pulling out his keys and walking inside. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In fact, he’s inside before he lets himself think of anything at all. Diamond is waiting for him, of course. They are beautiful and terrible and so, so sick of his shit, and Juno can’t blame them because he’s just as sick of his own shit. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno thinks, momentarily, of Castor as Diamond shoves him up against the kitchen cabinets. But it’s not the same thing, so Juno tries to put it out of his mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>three. reconciliation</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p><ul>
<li><em><span>At this point, the abuser might feel remorse or fear and try to initiate a reconciliation — this can entail them buying flowers, gifts, taking the target out for dinner or suggesting a nice vacation. They often promise it will be the last time the abuse happens… The perpetrator stresses that they did not want to do what they did, but the target made them because of their lack of understanding, wrong behavior, or because “they do not listen.”</span></em></li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>When Juno wakes up, the bed is empty. He feels like a hollowed out sliver of a person, like a stiff wind could blow him out of this apartment and out of this life, out to spiral over the Martian desert. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The apartment is not large. Diamond is awake and in the kitchen. Juno can hear them clattering around, humming soap opera themes to themself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno sits up in bed. Diamond pokes their head in and smiles. God, they’re beautiful. They walk in, the epitome of grace even early in the morning, and sit down beside him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning, sleepyhead,” Diamond says gently. “Breakfast is ready, whenever you are. I already called Rita, told her you’d be in late today. I hope that’s okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno doesn’t trust his voice, so he nods and smiles. It feels unsteady on his face. His eye throbs, and he thinks his wrist might be sprained where he’d caught himself falling last night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Diamond fidgets, smile dimming. Juno hates whatever dimmed that smile, especially if it’s his fault. “Juno, babe - you know I love you. I’m so sorry I overreacted last night.” The smile is gone, and they start to tear up. Even when they’re on the verge of crying they look so perfect. “I just - it’s so terrifying to not know where you are. Not know if you’re held up at work, or hurt, or bleeding out in a ditch somewhere. Or just fucking stoned in your car, apparently,” they say with a hint of last night’s exasperation. “I get so wound up worrying about you, you know? You don’t fucking listen to me. You never listen,” and then they are crying. “I don’t want to do these things, but you’re just so fucking stubborn, Juno.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno feels a rush of guilt so strong he feels like he might drown. “Of course, Di. You didn’t mean it. I’ll do better about calling when I need to work late, I promise. I just had a tough case and I needed to take the edge off, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, babe,” Diamond says, leaning their head on his shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m trying to do better,” Juno says, choked up, and gathers them in his arms. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too,” Diamond says, and then falls silent. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They stay like that for a long while, and Juno feels like he is floating away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is this how Castor felt? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Juno wishes he could pull the traitorous whispers out of his brain and burn them to ash. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The floating feeling persists all day. At the precinct, no one mentions that he was seen outside Aguilar’s house, so he assumes that he got away with it. He is in a daze, but he’s more productive with paperwork when he’s existing far from his own body like this. Maybe it’s good when Diamond finally snaps. Juno doesn’t have to worry about when things will get bad again, because they already have. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Rita comes by sometime in the midafternoon carrying a vase of flowers. Pink carnations. She sets them on his desk with a thump, and it takes him a moment to catch up. Juno opens the card with shaking hands and finds a reservation to a restaurant in Minerva Heights that Diamond had been wanting to try. He smiles, but it’s still shaky. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“From your fiancee,” Rita says with a smile smaller than her usual grin. “They’re gorgeous, Mistah Steel.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Juno says, voice creaky. He expects Rita to leave, but she stands there, feet planted, peering over his stacks of paperwork. “Do you need something?” he finally asks weakly, when it becomes clear she’s not going to take the hint and leave. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mistah Steel,” Rita says calmly and very, very quietly, “if you would ever like to talk about why you have a black eye and flowers from your fiancee on the same day, you know whereta find me, all right?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Juno says mechanically, like Diamond has stuffed the words down his throat to regurgitate on command. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>four. calm. </em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p><ul>
<li><em><span>Also known as the honeymoon stage, an abuser is kind, calm, and interested and may engage in counseling, as well as asking for forgiveness. The target may believe the abuser has changed and accept the apology. A perpetrator then starts to find little flaws or behaviors that they criticize in a passive aggressive way and apologies become less sincere over time. Little by little the same behaviors begins to reappear and the cycle again returns to the tension building phase.</span></em></li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Things settle. Diamond is their usual sweet self, Juno is slightly less of a mess than normal. Everything is fine. Good, even. Juno is twenty-two, engaged, and has a good chance of becoming a detective once Chandra finally retires and a spot opens up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A new case crosses his desk two weeks after Juno receives the flowers.  Twenty-one years old, 37 Volcanis Way, suspected domestic violence. The doctors want him to come to the hospital to take a statement. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno gets in his car and rests his head against the steering wheel. The cool plastic feels good against his bruised cheekbone. He is going to turn on the car and drive to Hyperion General and get Castor’s statement. He is going to do his job. Diamond snapped at him yesterday for buying the wrong groceries, and the day before that for being too quiet, and the day before that for not asking about Diamond’s day at work. Everything feels claustrophobic these days. Straightening up, he takes a deep breath and turns the key in the ignition. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he keeps telling himself it’s not the same, then it isn’t. Simple as that. Everything is under control.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Juno has a certain reputation at the HCPD these days. Juno’s not sure how it even happened, but somehow he has become the officer that deals with people who report instances of domestic violence. He has no idea why. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Descriptions of the cycle of abuse are from this website: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/cycle-of-abuse-domestic-violence/</p>
<p>Title from the Mountain Goats song of the same name</p>
<p>Come say hi at @healing_steel on twitter or healingsteel.tumblr.com.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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